What is it like to be a Dominatrix?

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By Suzannah Weiss DiskretAdultLife, Oct. 18th, 2018

Years ago, Lola Jean met a guy on a dating app who liked to be submissive during sex. She realized she enjoyed dominating him, so she started doing it with others as well. She was between jobs at the time and wanted something flexible, and before she know it, she’d become a professional dominatrix, first at a dungeon and then independently. Now, she not only sees clients privately but also teaches workshops, coaches people on their sex lives, and performs at events. She specializes in entertaining those with wrestling fetishes (yes, that’s a thing). I asked her about what it’s like to be a dominatrix and the lessons she’s learned on the job.dom, femdom,domm, dominatrix

What do you like about being a dominatrix?

Impact play gets pretty old after a while even though it’s usually the first aspect that draws many people in. My favorite aspect is the psychological portion. The fragility and vulnerability that is trusted in my hands. Everyone is like a puzzle, and I enjoy delicately and deliberately unraveling their knots while earning their trust.

What has surprised you about your job?

I had my own notions about certain kinks and what I thought was “weird” before entering the professional setting. Once you learn about the reasoning behind each kink and generally how or why they were developed, most of them are quite adorable. I used to think adult babies/diaper lovers was one of the more odd fetishes until you realize they mostly want to be held in an infant-like state. They want to be helpless and loved like the rest of us.

What is interesting to me and gives a better understanding of my client, instead of only knowing what it is they’re after — if they even know at all — is the how and why. This gives me a better foundation to map where I should take them on their journey.

I know other varieties of sex work — like stripping — can be a lot more cutthroat between sex workers, but in domming, I developed a community of individuals who are SO supportive of each other. You would think there would be competition, but we all recognize that each of us has different skill sets, different aesthetics and such —  we help each other out, we root each other on. We congratulate and commiserate. We offer advice and support. This is the first time I’ve had a solid network of authentic female friends. Who knew I’d have to go to sex work to find it?

Are there aspects of the job that you don’t like?

Client or not, I grow tired of the assumption that everything related to kink and domming has to be sexual in order for someone to enjoy it. Whenever I speak of wrestling fetish, I’m constantly met with, “But wait, I don’t get it. Are they getting off to it? What do they get out of it? Do they cum?”

In any type of sex work, people see it as something they could “get for free” with a consenting partner. But if you want a specific and tailored experience, especially if you want that experience from an unbiased third party, seeking out a professional makes sense. I can get a massage from a lover, but it’ll probably be more of what I want if I seek out a masseur.

Are there particular kinds of people who tend to hire you? Any pattern?

The taboo is inherently sexy. People tend to want what is the opposite from them. There’ a slew of hasidic clients, but I’m Jewish, so it’s less likely they’d seek me out. Hasidic and Indian cultures tend to be more suppressed, so you see a high proportion of clients in general coming from these backgrounds. Sex work or not, Black and Latino men tend to fetishize me due to my curvaceous figure. White men tend to fetishize Asian women. Jewish men tend to fetishize Black women.

My wrestling clients skew more white male because that’s a large majority of who is into the fetish. Otherwise, I’d say Indian men, but that also is something to do with my feet. It really depends on the fetish, just as much as my aesthetic.

What are people’s most common reasons for seeing you?

A release. And not the physical release because that’s one of my boundaries. This craving and need for a certain type of scenario gets pent up when one isn’t able to receive it in the way they desire. Finding someone to facilitate that and then experience it can feel like they are getting that itch that needed to be scratched for so long.domm,dom,dominatrix

Depending on the client, I’ve helped individuals work out some psychological issues, gain confidence, feel acceptance and safety. I really enjoy taking elements from therapy and psychology into my work, understand how and when people need to open up on their own. Some of my favorite client stories are when I’m able to make them uncomfortable for their own benefit or predict their needs before they are able to recognize them. One client sought me out for wrestling initially, and over the course of our first session, I was able to deduce that they were grappling with their gender identity. I knew it was a new and sensitive area for them that they were unsure of themselves. Being careful with my language and approach, we were able to slowly unravel their identification as trans and—in private—slowly work toward increasing their comfort and discovering themselves freely within our session before they were ready to bring that into the world.

Why do you think we so often see the reverse dynamic of yours, with women in the submissive role and men in the dominant role?

Clearly because of socialization. That is how we are raised and socialized in this world — not to say it can’t be reversed, but that is specifically going against the grain. The opposite of these socialized norms is seen as taboo. Thus, we tend to sexualize the taboo. It is not masculine for a male to be weaker than a female. It is not masculine for a male to exhibit sexual behaviors with another male or embody female qualities. It is not ladylike for a female to be the aggressor, to be physical and strong and vocal. My FAVORITE things in kink involve dichotomies. Masculine sissy subs. Feminine amazon muscular women. I love the genderfuck.

Does this work make you feel empowered as a woman?

Extremely. I’m in such control of my sexuality. Of what I do and do not do. It is extremely empowering to have someone else carry out your commands and requests. When I say ‘no’ it is respected. Sometimes I say no for the fun of it, to see how people react. It goes against my socialization as a woman to be pleasing and well liked. It feels like I’m staging a little protest every time I put my foot down. Some think that sex work is not helpful to gender dynamics but to that I say – if you don’t want women or trans fox to proser from sexual related work then stop fetishizes them and making the demand so high. Female bodies and transgender folx can often charge higher rates than cis-males regardless of their experience because the market value is higher.dom,domm,dominatrix

Does it ever make you feel degraded?

Not really, because I’m turning the degradation into a profit. If anyone is sexualizing me, I can either choose to shame them or to not care, which takes the power away from their sexualization. Or I’m directly profiting from it. The reality is, I have always been sexualized since I was young, whether I wore baggy sweaters or bikinis. I grappled with this immense sexuality I possessed, and now I feel like it is more under my control and manipulation. Now, when I am sexualized, I’m making a profit from it. If I choose to sexualize myself, it is for me. In my brand image, I choose not to do anything intended for male pleasure. It may be a byproduct, but it is never the intention. You learn that anything or so many things will get someone off. Knitting a sweater, eating ice cream, or ignoring someone may be enough to do it for someone. So why spend time worrying if what I’m doing may be viewed as sexually appealing to the other gender?

Many new clients may assume that because they are paying for my time, they can determine everything that happens in a session—or worse, that they somehow “own” me. But they’re not paying for me, they’re paying for my time. Domming is often like a staring contest, and I’m constantly making my client tow the line in a game of “chicken.” Fear is a common driver, and I like to make my clients the slightest bit uneasy to retain that power.

What has being a dominatrix taught you about gender dynamics?

Men face societal pressure that creates a sense of fear around not fitting in. Sometimes, this is acted out in aggressive ways (i.e. degrading women to assert their masculinity — to themselves), and other times, it is acted out by sexualizing that fear. Again, the taboo being erotic. I wonder if once gender dynamics are more equal and we’re open about our sexualities, if there will still be as many kinks! So many are built around shame or societal expectations, today’s youth may not have forced bi or sissification fantasies because they’re raised more open to gender and sexual fluidity.

How do you navigate consent when you’re in a situation where you’re potentially physically restraining or hurting someone?

Depending on the type of session, we may set up a safe word ahead of time, but I’m actually not a fan of safe words because I think they can be forgotten easily. I discuss as much as possible before the session so I have a good idea of where their boundaries lie. We’ve discussed what they’re lookindom,domm,dominatrixg for, what they want. I may ask if certain things I plan on doing are okay with them. During the session itself, I don’t ask “May I…”  but I do check in throughout to make sure they’re tolerating and having fun. My style is to be very physically dominant and stern but ultimately kind — the two playing like multiple sides of my personality. I think it gives a little something extra for me to act like a happy baby when I’m squeezing someone’s head between my thighs. One of my friends calls me “kind but not nice.”

Especially given how physical my main form of sex work — wrestling — is, I’m very conscious about hurting others. I’ve recently started doing more knockouts (limiting blood flow to the brain, causing the person to temporarily go to “sleep”), which I had avoided due to the risks involved. I don’t go for the jugular (pun intended) immediately but instead ease on and off, giving them room to tap out if necessary. I try to always be able to see their face, as sometimes they can be too proud to tap.

What have you learned from your job that you think we could all apply to our sex lives?

Haha, I’m great at sniffing out bullshit and time wasters early on. But actually, I see this time and time again. Male doms tend to make the experience all about them, what they want, and their needs. As a dom, you can do that to an extent, but first and foremost, you have to craft it around your sub and their needs. There isn’t one right way to do anything. You don’t have to be mean to be a dom. You don’t have to be strict or scary. The reality is, being a good dom is about listening and being reactive to your submissive. When people try to emulate porn stars, movie stars, and other idols or pursue perfection, they may be missing out on the most important details and moments.

With any type of sex work — or sex for that matter — it’s not necessarily about how big your XYZ is. You learn what makes you unique, your differentiators, your selling points, and you learn to play those to your advantage.

 

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