By Lee & Jessica, Owners of DiskretAdultLife, Nov. 29th, 2018
Have you joined Fetlife? Or perhaps you’ve only heard whispers about this mysterious underground website… I decided to do a deep dive into the Fetlife world to really understand the ins and outs of it. Why have 7.2 million people joined this kink and BDSM community?! First you should understand Diskrét is an adult product retailer and fully engage in fetish and kinky community on a daily basis. I want to diagnosis Fetlife from a beginner standpoint who is merely curious, all the way to an adult product retailers / manufactures like ourselves.
If you are curious buy weary… we understand. Fetlife has made national news a few times for bad publicity. Like anything else, if you are ignorant about possible online threats, it makes you a target. Fetlife has clamed to have over 7 million users… now that’s a lot of social media users and the possibility for danger is there if you don’t take the appropriate steps. However, for the general public Fetlife has been an amazing escape from reality. It allows so many users inner kinkiness be expressed judgement free. If you love kink, it’s a great place to establish the role you want kink and BDSM to play in your daily lifestyle.
Fetlife has a lot of amazing features to it but first we are going to go over the basics. Some of this might seem like common sense but just remember people don’t always think logically in Fetlife. These rules are for beginners to follow and fully understand the website. Once you know everything the control is in your own hands. Just remember safety is always the most important thing!
Discretion Is King:
If you decided to recently join the scene or plan to join the BDSM community in Fetlife understand you can be exposed to anyone if you don’t take the appropriate steps. First, be aware that contacts (both social and IRL) will be able to see your profile. So, choose a different username that doesn’t relate to you. Completely doesn’t relate to you. Don’t use your FB,IG, or Twitter account names and I suggest not using you’re real name until you understand how the site works.
Lock to Friends Only:
You can post images in which you are featured if you friend carefully and “lock” them to friends only. Be aware of who you are “friending” these people can see all your personal photos that you choose to upload. For starting I suggest keeping your face out of them until you get a better handle on “who can see what”.
Ultimately, Fetlife is built on a community of individuals who trust each other. That trust will be there no matter what kinky social network you decide to join. If you can’t trust your community to shelter you from things you dislike, get to know your people better before getting involved with them. Stick to online chatter to start.
Be observant if someone is too wary of being real life friends or not being open about themselves, don’t get to “chummy” with them. Kink and BDSM social networks don’t judge anyone since we are all there for the same reasons… explore our sexuality and embrace varying degrees of kink. With that said, the general feel for people’s “openness” is much more than you would find on most social media websites and apps. If someone is extremely reserved and not very open, it could be for reasons beyond personal discretion.
Fetlife Strength in Numbers:
If you end but deep into Fetlife social and want to take that leap into meeting people in real life, by all means go for it. I suggest only meeting in a group environment. You can meet many people and get to know them in person this way. If you want to meet with individuals 1-on-1 after you have meet them in a group environment, at least you know the group trusts them plus you have meet them before at least.
There is always strength in numbers and in public places to start. Plus, the kink and BDSM community looks after their friends like family. Building relationships here can turn into the best friends of your life. Just be smart about how you engage people to begin with.
Speak Up in Fetlife
Yes, Fetlife discourages people from “name shaming” but if you feel abused or harassed in anyway, reach out to the community. Like I said before, the Kink and BDSM community protect their friends like family. The family can “out” the abuser or make others aware of the potential threat.
Building Your Fetlife Profile
Now that we covered the safety aspect, its time to join the Fetlife community! To start you will be asked to create a user profile. Here is what you need to know about filling it out to stay interesting, not look like a beginner, and help stay engaged with the community!
Choosing Your Screen Name in Fetlife:
This is when you need to be creative. It’s the first thing people see when interacting with you (along with your picture) so try to stay light, fun, and interesting. Again, I would stay away from your real name to start. You can change this once a month but to build a consistent following, I suggest sticking with your original Fetlife name.
Fetlife User Details:
Everyone has to go through it… Fetlife determines how to match and show content of specific users to you based on your profile details. You will need to pick your gender, list your sexual orientation, and which role you like to play in the bedroom. Fetlife has endless choices in all three of these fields so I am sure you will be able to find what you’re looking for. The role in the bedroom will be dominant, submissive, slave… you get the idea, whatever floats your boat!
Fetlife Age & Location:
I suggest you don’t put your actual age and location in if you just plan on being social with the community. In that case just put an age of 99 and from Antarctica, this is what most do who are not looking to meet in real life. If you are looking to meet in real life, I suggest picking a large city that is near you. You don’t have to put your tiny home town, since chances are not many Fetlife users would be active there.
Fetlife Email, Password, and Phone Number:
It’s a lot to ask of anyone, I know. But it is kept completely secure on their website. It does not get displayed to other users. Since I joined, they never texted or called me other than the initial code texted to verify my phone number.
Once You’re In Fetlife!!
Now that you’re in, the real fun begins! The website has been around for years and really developed into somewhat of a masterpiece. Fetlife has videos, pictures, and tunnels down every deep rabbit hole of kink you could possibly imagine.
To start, you will have to pay to view photos, videos, and most of the explore tab. Without paying the $5 dollar minimum you are extremely limited. Fetlife is a business and outside of advertising they relay on the community to contribute in order to keep everything operating smoothly. It’s a small fee to pay to enjoy the endless pleasures that await you.
What Should I Do First in Fetlife?
Whatever the hell you please! It has many channels and opportunity which I will explain a few of the main ones. This is a judgement free place for you to explore your BDSM and kinky lifestyle. Doesn’t matter if you’re a beginner or extremist. I suggest starting a biography on your timeline. Start by letting people know who you are, where you came from, and why you joined the Fetlife community. Keep it vague in the details of your exact location if you don’t want to meet people in person.
Start socializing in Fetlife:
Fetlife is a social website. The entire point is for you to be active and join the community. If you want to watch porn… go to porn website. This is for becoming active members and sharing your fantasies with like minded people. So comment, like, and engage with other people, it’s the entire reason you’re on Fetlife!
If you can imagine it… there is most likely a forum on it. Just because you search it and find the forum you are interested in, doesn’t mean it is still active. Look at the most recent comments and see if the dates are recent. Otherwise it might be a dead thread hanging out there. In which case you would be talking to yourself!
If you are not sure what to do in Fetlife, check out the explore tab. Like other social media apps such as Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter you can scroll through a “feed”. This will show what people have posted or commented on recently. It is easy to get lost in here for hours on end! Keep in mind to stay active, if you find a video hot, comment your thoughts and throw it a “like”. This is how you meet other people, couples, and build relationships.
Fetlife Private Message:
In Fetlife you can private message people. If you want to take your relationship with someone to the next level, start messaging them in private. Only the two of you can see it. Keep in mind, nothing in private has to stay private! If you send them nudes, nothing is stopping them from posting them, so unless you trust the person or don’t mind exposing yourself online, stick to the PG-13 pictures but XXX conversations.
Remember that when you join Fetlife you do so because it is a judgement free zone. This is an area you can express yourself, all your fantasizes, and your kinky BDSM lifestyle. Nobody should bash you, put you down, or shame you. That includes the photos, videos, and comments that you post. If you see this type of abuse, you can report it, block them, or use other friends in the community to make sure the individual stops this behavior.
Now remember this is a two-way street! Just because someone might have a different opinion or lifestyle than you, does not allow you to judge them. If you can’t handle the Fetlife community, you are always free to leave at any time. I always put in the simplest terms possible “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Now with that being said…go have an amazing Fetlife experience! Join the millions of likeminded individuals who all have a dark fantasy to share…
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